Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
