We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
