I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
