so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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