Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
