whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
