i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
