how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
