I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
