my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
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Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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