I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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