She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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