I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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