It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
its not stalking. its research.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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