all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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