Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
