i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
