I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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