I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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