I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
