...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
