I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
