Texts From Last Night

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  (206): View more from Washington

  I will die if light touches me.

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  (206): I will die if light touches me. http://tfl.nu/jner
  Replies (18) Good night (1241) Bad night (659)
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  (44): View more from England

  What's everyones problem with my costume?!

  (1-44): View more from England

  It looks like a unicorn came on your face.

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  (44): What's everyones problem with my costume?! (1-44): It looks like a unicorn came on your face. http://tfl.nu/f20r
  Replies (26) Good night (820) Bad night (2464)
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater

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  (905): I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater http://tfl.nu/5s3p
  Replies (19) Good night (912) Bad night (3270)
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  (432): View more from Texas

  I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?

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  (432): I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!? http://tfl.nu/8eh6
  Replies (21) Good night (694) Bad night (5004)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  If you die in college, do you die in real life?

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  (813): If you die in college, do you die in real life? http://tfl.nu/s9pw
  Replies (42) Good night (9329) Bad night (1079)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.

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  (775): At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive. http://tfl.nu/xg7u
  Replies (4) Good night (2560) Bad night (1376)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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  (404): We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned. http://tfl.nu/3qtb
  Replies (6) Good night (5615) Bad night (856)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

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  (804): i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive http://tfl.nu/za3r
  Replies (1) Good night (2845) Bad night (966)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance

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  (207): when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance http://tfl.nu/dir9
  Replies (4) Good night (1497) Bad night (425)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...

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  (214): I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex... http://tfl.nu/zoqe
  Replies (4) Good night (1836) Bad night (396)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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  (519): My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now http://tfl.nu/86ra
  Replies (5) Good night (1915) Bad night (444)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.

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  (908): But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying. http://tfl.nu/oo2a
  Replies (14) Good night (580) Bad night (1293)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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  (509): My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand http://tfl.nu/ch2o
  Replies (15) Good night (2737) Bad night (492)
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis

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  (780): My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace. (780): I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD. (403): I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis http://tfl.nu/glgp
  Replies (3) Good night (540) Bad night (302)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.

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  (570): I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen. (1-570): T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met. http://tfl.nu/8lnr
  Replies (3) Good night (265) Bad night (631)

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