john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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