I think im going to throw up on grandma
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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