mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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