Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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