I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
