allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
