OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
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Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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