And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
