woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
