Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
