Ambien. No doubt about it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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