Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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