So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
