I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
