it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
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