I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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