exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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