I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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