The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
