It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
