He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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