Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
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They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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