just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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