watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
