Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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