M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
