Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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