We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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