Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
