How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The feeling are messing with the penis
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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