So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
